Daya - The Blog

Hair today...more gone when I can afford it...

2009-02-04T12:10:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in a treatment room at Berman Skin Institute. In a little less than an hour I will get my 6th and last laser hair removal treatment under my arms.

It may sound extravagant to do under my arms considering most genetic females don't get that hair removed. But if you'd felt the IRBs I get when I shave there you would understand the commitment.

My life in the last few months continues to be routine and drama-free. That's a good thing. And despite a visit to Target where the woman guarding the dressing rooms sent me to the men's dressing room to try on women's clothes (!!!) things are bubbling along nicely.

I'm starting to notice more differences between men and women...even between me and Mark. That's to be expected, of course, and I get a little chuckles from these things. Observing them from inside a physical body that is now bathed primarily in estrogen makes me happy instead of tormented, which is the way it felt from inside that testosterone prison.

So...more pain soon...but less hair. A fair exchange. I'm just glad I got a headstart on all my hair removal before the economy went totally insane.

The week in-between...

2008-12-29T11:33:00.000-08:00

I can't believe Christmas is over already. I just didn't connect to it this year like I usually do. Maybe part of that was a form of self protection so the pain of missing my sister didn't get too intense.

And now I feel my mind turning to a new year in a big way. While Christmas didn't hit me as hard this year, think the New Year will hit me harder than usual. 2008 was a year of challenges and gifts. How do you describe a year that delivers not only the worst thing to ever happen to you...but also some of the best things?

It's not a "good" year...but certainly an Important one.

Here's to a happy new one for all of us.

I have a good feeling about it.

Little Drummer Kid...

2008-12-06T07:23:00.000-08:00

From an email my mother wrote:

"Every time the song The Little Drummer Boy comes on I think about you when you were 15 months old, sitting on the floor by the stereo and listening to that song...and tapping your head against the stereo in beat to it."

Umm...

I think I just discovered the moment to which I can trace my mental craziness.

Thanks, mom!

A small embrace from a clerk with something extra…

2008-11-25T14:00:00.001-08:00

I just returned home from Walgreen’s drug store. I needed a couple things and despite the fact that I was reticent about going I went anyway. I was hesitant because it’s a store where I’ve been shopping for 6 years...and there’s one woman who works during the weekdays with whom I have a cordial relationship. I normally see her when I shop at this store...she once sold me some foundation makeup. Since I was still deeply in the trans closet at the time I made sure to tell her I was an actor and I needed it for the stage. That was true, but I really didn’t owe her an explanation.

Whenever I see her we make small talk. She’s Asian and has an accent, so the communication is a little bumpy sometimes, but she’s very nice and she seems to light up when she sees me.

She has not seen me in full makeup and women’s clothes yet. I mean, it’s just jeans and a basic top…I’m not in a sequined gown or anything…but I’m definitely presenting female. I always hate to see that confused look on clerk’s faces. Most of my local stores are now aware…but Walgreen’s was one of my last stands.

So…I went to Walgreen’s because I really needed the stuff and I try never to avoid situations that I’m nervous about. There’s nothing to gain if you fear and don’t push forward in life.

When I walked in she was, typically, in view down the first aisle, which is the cosmetics aisle. I did not make eye contact. I went to the second aisle to look for something. After a couple minutes she came down my aisle. I think she saw me come in and wanted an encounter.

I looked up and said hello. She smiled and said hello. Then she said “I like your purse very much.” “Thank you,” I said and turned back to the shelf. But we were alone and she was right there so I said “You haven’t seen me like this yet. I’ve changed genders.”

“Oh, that’s good!” she beamed.

“Yes, it’s a good thing for me. I’m much happier.”

She walked over. She asked about my partner Mark. She repeated a few times how different I seemed and how nice I looked. I allowed myself to bask in her approval. I’ve learned to accept approval in a way I never really could as David.

She told me when I was done shopping to come to her and she would ring me up at the cosmetics counter. I finished shopping and did that. As she was bagging my items she said “The first time I saw you in here…the first time...I said to myself…if he was a woman he would be a beautiful woman. The FIRST TIME!”

“You must have sensed something about me,” I said.

Despite using the term "beautiful" perhaps a little too liberally, she was clearly tickled and seemed to feel validated.

“It’s good,” she said a final time.

“Yes...it is. It’s very good. I’ve wanted this since I was 4 years old. I waited until I was 45...but I finally got it. It’s a good, good thing.”

With that we said our goodbyes and I left on a cloud.

I don’t know what these things mean. I believe her when she says she had that thought about me. I had a teacher in high school who once told me she thought I would look good as a girl. What would make someone say that? It's odd, espeically since I worked so hard to hide those feelings.

These things used to haunt and tease me. I wanted to figure it all out (without actually figuring it out, if you know what I mean) and it made me a bit nuts. But now...finally embodied as Daya....it just feels like a pat on the back.

It’s a good, good thing.

Still kicking around…facing ghosts…

2008-11-25T09:44:00.000-08:00

I won’t even open this post with an apology for not posting until now. Let’s just get right to it…

Since New York, things have slowly and steadily calmed down. I’m in a period of routine….and it’s really wonderful. My life has been so insane for so many years it’s really nice to just work at home and do errands and see some movies and exercise…

I’ve been doing electrolysis on my face pretty regularly for a few months and I’m seeing progress. It still intensely painful (and expensive) but my mind and body have somehow found a way to deal with the pain. It’s been a real lesson in finding out how much pain I can tolerate. I’m pretty proud about it…and freakin’ RELIEVED. Electrolysis on my face was one of the major obstacles between me and transition. I just didn’t know how I could go through it. I had 3 hours of it back in 1991 and it was one of the reasons I stopped that transition in its tracks. So, to find the strength to endure it now is a feather in my cap.

Victoria’s spirit helps me with this. I lay on that table...needles stuck in my follicles again and again…my face on fire...feeling like my skin is turning inside out from the pain...

…and I think of all the pain Victoria went through. She endured all that torment…and she didn’t complain. She was very definite with me that I should proceed with transition and be myself. So, in her honor and memory, I lay there and find an inner strength I didn’t know I had. And I’m relieved.

I’ve been working on web work fairly consistently. It’s been good. The weather is finally cooling down and that’s fantastic.

I’ve been feeling nostalgic…no…more than mere nostalgia. I’ve been feeling healthy enough to face some of the ghosts of my past. I’ve been reaching out in emails to people from my past who I think I’ve harmed in some way. I guess it’s like my own 12 step program in a way. Mostly, my past is kind of a blur to me and I really want to put some of the pieces together.

Some have written back. Some haven’t. I don’t blame anyone if they don’t want to respond.

It’s been interesting and liberating to reach out. It makes me feel healthier and more grounded.

I wish I could have realized these things before turning 45 years old…but better late than never I suppose.

The world spins...much like my head...

2008-08-28T17:28:00.000-07:00

Well...as you can see, I had no time or energy to write a single blog post while in NYC.

People keep asking me how it was...and they look at me with a hopeful smile...waiting for joy to flow out of me.

But I seem to be disappointing people these days.

The experience in New York was important and intense and I wouldn't change it for the world. But it was hard. And at the end of it I am left exhausted...and barely able to think straight.

I miss my sister. This is the first time I've been quiet and still at home since she passed. The month after her death was filled with trips and memorials. And then one month after, we got word about Fringe, and the whole world blew up with stress.

It was hard.

And now I sit and realize I still don't have my sister.

A dear friend passed along a mantra today. I won't repeat it...but it's about slowing down. I think a slowing-down process is sadly lacking in my life.

And the good news? My legal name change will be official on September 16th. This will be a new birthday for me. I never thought the name change would mean so much...but it does...and it gives me something to look forward to.

Glam shots...and bye-bye Silicon Valley...for now...

2008-08-02T19:58:00.000-07:00

Well...I actually have a few free minutes before I leave for the airport.

I'm off on this weird adventure...and I want to once again thank all those who have rallied around and helped make this happen. I'm a lucky lucky person to have the family and friends and LIFE that I have. I don't take it for granted.

So...off I go...

BIG NEWS!!! On September 16th, 2008, my name will be legally changed to Daya Curley. I feel so ready for this. I couldn't imagine HOW I wouold be ready...but I am...and am a thousand percent sure. I can't wait...!!

And, on the "I-never-have-any-pictures-I-can-bear-to-show-anyone" front...I actually now HAVE a few now that I want to share.

My friend (and photog extraordinaire) Jami Davis generously took a few snaps before our BRITNEY fundraising party got underway.

Here she is WORLD...!!!

(and I promise to try to write from New York City)

Creativity? CHECK! Insanity? CHECK!

2008-07-02T10:13:00.001-07:00

Life has been a whole additional bucket of INSANE for the past few weeks.

My web work is plentiful...and preparations for taking BECOMING BRITNEY to New York are crushingly stressful and tedious sometimes. So far, we're meeting our deadlines and we're on track. We start rehearsals Monday. That's exciting, but also means I have to actually FINISH THE SCRIPT by Monday...!!!

Oy...

I'm excited about spending nearly a month living in the East Village. I'm also really eager to see the show in front of an audience that doesn't know us.

My transition is still moving along. I'm presenting more and more definitively as myself all the time and it just doesn't seem as big a deal anymore. I don't know if Victoria's death was a kick in the ass...or if I'm just getting bored with feeling insecure. Probably a little of both. I'm simply too busy to have time for hand-wringing. Plus I have SO much love and support and HELP from those around me. I would be nowhere with my hair and makeup without my dearheart Karie Bennett who owns Atelier SalonSpa at Santana Row.

Changing gender has indeed been (and will continue to be) a massive challenge...but I have to admit it's been less painful than I thought it would be. There are those crystalline moments of pure happiness...like a door standing open and a gorgeous cool breeze enveloping me. Finally.

I'm desperate to get my name change paperwork going. It just takes a lot of time...and time simply ain't something I have to spare these days. My goal is to have my name change done by the end of September. Then I won't have to be freaked when I have to show my license or credit card with the name David on it. It will help a LOT...!!

And even writing "David" is starting to seem weird to me. I sometimes sit and think about who I was and whether or not I have left parts of me behind (no jokes please, I haven't even had surgery YET)...and if I have, were they the negative, anxiety-filled parts...or did I lose some other essence too. The consensus from folks around me seems to be that I'm the same. Many are, in fact, surprised at how "the same" I am. I do feel basically the same...except for all the screeching turmoil that I became used to living with as part of my mindscape.

Jettisoning that crap has GOT to be a step in the right direction...!!

We will announce our 5 performance dates on Monday for the world premiere of BECOMING BRITNEY in New York City. How odd to even say that. My life is full of blessings…!!

Stay tuned...

Divas For Life 2008...

2008-06-04T17:09:00.000-07:00

I performed again this year in Molly Bell's annual DIVAS FOR LIFE benefit concert.

Usually I am the honorary male performer. This year I was promoted to DIVA for the first time.

It was a heady night. Lots of folks I haven't seen since I started transition...and also I am starting to rediscover who I am on stage. I'm not THAT different...and hopefully it works...

I had a blast...and I'd like to share the moment with you...

Your browser does not accept inline frames. To view this content select Daya at Divas For Life 2008

A video memorial...

2008-05-12T09:26:00.001-07:00

Running time = 11:28

The video may take a moment to load and start

Make sure your speakers are turned up

Click on a flower to start the video

Your browser does not accept inline frames. To view this content select Victoria Wallach Video Memorial

Nebraska, Texas, piles of food...and bathroom angst...

2008-04-22T07:51:00.000-07:00

Whew!

We’re back from our multi-city tour of the USA’s chewy nougat center.

We started our adventure by getting caught up in the American Airlines debacle. Our flight out was cancelled and we were put on a United flight. We still left at Dark O’clock but we routed through Denver instead of Chicago and actually wound up in Lincoln, Nebraska a few hours earlier than our original itinerary.

We stayed in Nebraska with Mark’s folks. This was our 3rd visit together to that city, and it has its charms. We ate lots of food…and visited family…and had huge meals…and did some antique shopping…and ate…and took a side trip to see Mark’s aunt…and stuffed ourselves…and marveled at snow flurries in April…and ate…and saw a drag show…and ate and ate and ate..

I had been a little perplexed about how to present my gender in the Midwest. I continue to move through a strange period where I’m perceived as both genders, sometimes within moments. I got “ma’amed” more in the Midwest than I ever have here in California, but it always came at unexpected times.

For example, Mark and I stopped for a Nebraska steak dinner at a place in a little town called York. I was wind blown and suffering the effects of allergies and the drowsiness brought on my allergy meds. I was also wearing no makeup.

I entered the restaurant assuming I would be perceived as a man and I was determined to not work toward tipping that scale. Our waitress was an older, gravel-voiced dame…the kind of movie diner cliché you might expect. She took my order and then turned to Mark and said “and for the Gentleman?”

She hadn’t actually said “ma’am” but the implication was there.

Another time I was called “ma’am” and “sir” in the same restaurant, masking me skittish about using EITHER bathroom.

While in Fort Worth, Texas…in a crowded cafeteria-style joint…a woman behind the counter said “There you go ma’am”. Also a floor manager used the word at the same place.

But the one group of people that made no effort to recognize my gender presentation was in a gay club in Lincoln. I was completely made up and still got called “guy” three times. I know gay people are generally more attuned to gender presentation, but why would gay people assume I was a man instead of a trans woman. I found it rather disrespectful.

I had many moments of feeling exposed and vulnerable. It was very warm at a Fort Worth art fair and my tee shirt didn’t do much to hide my small but obvious breasts. I wasn’t wearing makeup, so I sensed confusion almost everywhere we went. I decided to just go with it, but even that became a challenge a couple times. Mark and I were talking to one of the artists and I assumed he perceived me as a woman. But when Mark’s sister joined the conversation she said “If you need a website HE can help you.” The word hung in the air like stale smoke. I’m sure it felt more important to me than to anyone else, but I still made a hasty retreat. The 2nd punch line came moments later when I walked by another booth slightly ahead of Mark. I told the artist I liked his work and he said “Thank you, man.” The next second brought Mark and he said to the guy “She loves lots of color.”

It makes me feel schizophrenic. It’s also funny.

Getting out of town right after Victoria’s death was a Godsend. I think I’m more ready to start getting back to the business of my life.

I miss her like mad.

We had a really great and special time with our Midwest families. It was healing and nurturing.

I’m preparing for one more short trip on May 8th. I’ll be going to Michigan for the first of 2 memorials for Victoria. In addition, we’re celebrating my Grandmother’s b-day. I will see many aunts and uncles that I haven’t seen in a long time. Some of them may not know about my trans status.

For the time being I will revel in being at home and try desperately to lose some of the weight I gained by eating everything in sight for the last week.

On Sunday Mark and I went to our farmer’s market and had brunch and saw a movie. Our attempt to get back to our routine. At the cinema I walked into the men's bathroom and an older gentleman who was walking out stopped in his tracks and gawked at me. I think he saw me as a woman going in the wrong bathroom door.

Life will never be quite routine again.

And then she was gone...

2008-04-09T09:19:00.000-07:00

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted…and I know that many of you have been eagerly awaiting word about something…anything…

Things have been crazy sad the last few weeks.

My sister Victoria passed away around 2:10am on Thursday April 3rd.

It’s been an insanely hard week with family and friends. My parents literally just walked out the door to go back to Michigan. Mark left for work. This is the first time I’m left in silence since early last week.

Leukemia is a hideous, hateful, evil, disrespectful disease…and Victoria should not have been taken yet.

She was a bright energy in every life she touched. And we all should strive to keep alive her message of “Love, Love and Nothing But Love”…

I’ll be licking my wounds for a little while and then I'll try to get back to documenting other things.

Thank you for all the well wishes.

We've set up a donation page for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. We have reformed Team Victoria again this year to walk in the Light The Night fund raiser. It takes place on October 2nd in San Francisco. Last year with Victoria still here we raised $10,000. This year we would like to surpass that in her honor.

Here's the link:
http://www.active.com/donate/ltnSanFr1/2430_curleyco

Love, Love and Nothing But Love…

Victoria, Britney & Me...3 of the women in my life...

2008-02-15T07:54:00.000-08:00

I’m finally catching up a bit. The last few weeks have been intense.

Victoria is back home again…after being in the hospital again. It’s a roller coaster right now as to be expected with the chemo. I took video of her the other day for her blog.

The BECOMING BRITNEY reading couldn’t have been better. The audience had a blast…and we received lots of great comments and criticism. The reading did exactly what it needed to do for us. Also the cast, led by Molly was superb. I saw things from everyone that were new on that live stage. It was a wonder to watch.

I’ve posted a new video and some pics on the Britney website.

I’m still keeping my eyes open on the job front…but I’ve actually been too busy with my web clients to look for work...so I guess that’s a good thing.

My transition has been in a bit of a hold pattern. I still haven’t found an electrologyst. I also still haven’t gone shopping. I’m hoping both will happen within the next week.

I am getting more and more comfortable with myself, so that’s a good thing. Really…I think I’m just getting sick to death of feeling insecure…so instead of “getting used to” myself I think I’m “getting over” myself…

Either way, I’ll take it…

I am also getting increasingly curious glances…so I imagine without knowing it I’m throwing off more signals than I think.

It’s all good.

&#!**%*@ JAR DRAMA....!!

2008-01-31T17:11:00.000-08:00

It took me 10 minutes to open this freakin' jar...!!

Finally...at long last.......SHOES....!!!

2008-01-31T16:02:00.000-08:00

Picture this:

I have a party to go to this Saturday. I have ONE outfit that will be appropriate…thank God...so I guess I’m set with that. But the only pair of shoes I own are a pair of mules and they are highly inappropriate for the cold weather…and they are certainly not dressy.

I’m sorta limited in where I can shop for shoes. I can’t exactly go into stores because they don’t typically carry wide widths. My enormous feet are very wide at the toes…which…well…limits me.

So…I have been shopping for shoes at zappos.com. They have lots of styles and they have FREE RETURNS. I've purchsed and returned so many shoes I can’t count them.

This week I stepped it up…determined to get a pair for the party on Saturday. Lots of people from the theatre world will be there and meet me as Daya for the first time and I want to feel good about my presentation.

So I ordered and sent back shoes all week. I ordered 2 styles at a time…and since most of them came overnight I was able to try a lot of shoes.

And FINALLY…

I found a pair of basic black dress shoes that don’t make my feet look enormous and are also comfortable.

I’m thrilled…and SO relieved…

So now I have TWO pairs of shoes. Not enough, but a good start.

Another milestone or three…

2008-01-27T09:14:00.001-08:00

Well…I sorta faced the demons of being out fully as Daya.

I did my hair and makeup…and with the products and education I got on Friday it went really well. It was so odd riding with Mark to downtown San Jose, knowing there was no turning back. I had been out in public as Daya in San Francisco…but…well...San Jose is a different creature…

We were attending a surprise birthday party at a restaurant. I still didn’t know what I was going to do about the bathroom issue…but I decided to just not worry about it.

The restaurant was almost empty (since it was early) and we were shown to a back room. Very soon after Mark overheard that something was wrong with the kitchen and they were closing the place except for our party.

So…it was public…but very private… I’m not sure if it counts.

I did use the women’s bathroom. It was a single…so that wasn’t a problem either.

One of the waiters called me sir. I guess the next time I go to that restaurant I’ll need to wear a mini dress and heels…!! On the positive side, one friend who I haven’t seen in a while and was sitting at the other end of a long table commented to someone: I’ve never met David's sister…

Hee hee…silver lining...

Good, bad, worse...and WHAAAAA...!!

2008-01-26T07:28:00.000-08:00

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything…and I’ve been trying to put some thoughts together. I am so busy these days that it’s hard to pin any thought down long enough to put it to paper.

We launched the website for our musical. Please check it out:

www.becomingbritney.com

We are in a mad dash to finish the show for a number of deadlines. We are having a reading of the show so we can hear it out loud and see what works (and what doesn’t). We are also submitting the piece to 2 theatre festivals in New York. These deadlines are fast approaching…and we’ve got lots of matieral to write and put together to send with the script.

In case you haven’t heard, my sister Victoria’s leukemia has returned. She has some in her bone marrow and some in her blood. She’s staring a course of out-patient chemo starting Monday…and she will get another biopsy in 2 months to see if it’s helping. It’s very scary and upsetting…but we’re all trying to remain calm and move through it with positive attitudes.

I’m also trying to decide how to proceed with making a living. My free lance web work has dried up a lot…probably the economy…and I’m confused about how to go forward with a job search.

I’m not living full time as a woman…but I don’t use the name David anymore. I’m also not exactly masculine either…so I’m not sure how I would even present myself at an interview. Who could blame a potential employer from being a hesitant when I’m in such flux as a physical person?

But I have to do SOMEthing. Things are getting desperate. I need to meditate on it and ask friends for advice…and I’m sure it will all work out the way it’s supposed to.

I had a transition milestone last night:

I went to my friend’s fabulous salon/spa (http://www.atelieraveda.com) where she trimmed my hair…showed me how to deal with it...gave me a makeup lesson…and suggested products for my hair and face. It was great to have lots of questions answered and I’m sure it will help me greatly as I proceed. Thanks Karie…!!

But…I still have the bathroom thing that I have to conquer. If I’m going to a restaurant, which bathroom do I use? I’m not really sure how I’m perceived…so I’m not sure. Certainly if I’m in full makeup I won’t be comfortable in the men’s room. But some women get really weird if they perceive a man in their midst, not matter how he’s dressed. Some trans advice suggests that you go to the manager and tell them you are transgender and ask which bathroom they would like you to use. That just seems like unnecessary humiliation.

I guess if I’m with other women I could have them check first to make sure the place is empty.

It’s all such a pain in the ass, frankly. My friend Rebecca says it’s weird the first few times and then it gets easier.

Sometimes I get sick of every facet of my life being such an uphill battle. But I knew that would be the case going in…and these are the times I have to keep my eye on the prize.

Lastly, my weight is not budging. I’ve been working out 5 – 6 days a week for about 5 weeks now…and nothing…no progress. It’s infuriating…and now I know the frustration some women feel about men dropping weight with the blink of an eye. I’ll keep working out becuase I love the endorphins and it’s good for my blood pressure…but…COME ON…!!!

Its record low temps…it’s rainy…and I also have a cold…

And that all sounds so complain-y. I think that’s why I haven’t posted in a while. I feel like bitching all the time. Stress no doubt. Hopefully posting this will help exorcize some of those demons.

I'll try to be better about postsing.

Short but sweet...

2007-12-28T05:54:00.000-08:00

I don't have time for a whole blog post...but there's a little milestone I want to acknowledge.

I turned in paperwork to my union Actor's Equity to change my name...and I got a temporary card. I was also just informed via email that my gender has been changed officially in the records for the union.

I'm feeling ever more official.

I'll be looking in the next few weeks into changing my name legally.

Neat!

Happy Holidays…

2007-12-24T05:45:00.001-08:00

I love Christmastime. Love it.

But I don’t know where time went this year. Things have been crazy and I got to almost none of my usual traditions…although I did manage to our little tree up the day after Thanksgiving. That was yesterday, right?

Oy…

So my best wishes are with you as we head into yet another year…!!

Of mermaids and strong-armed women…

2007-12-18T14:18:00.001-08:00

Things are crazy this time of year, so I have been lax in posting.

Forgive?

I’ve been working out at Pam & Ada’s gym every weekday morning. I feel great…and if I can be patient and keep it up I might actually see some results. Or…at least maybe I won’t gain weight over the holidays.

Maybe?

I want to share a theory about something.

Here's some background that influenced my thought pattern…

Not too long ago there was an episode of 20/20 called MY SECRET SELF. They profiled 3 trans kids. The most stunning story was that of a young trans girl named Jaz. In the program her mother talks about how this child loves mermaids....and in fact, that many young trans girls are attracted to mermaids. You can probably imagine why…and you can see that part of the 20/20 show below:

I was never attracted to mermaids. But…I loved (and still love) the Statue of Liberty. I encountered a color aerial shot of Liberty Island in an encyclopedia when I was very young and I was mesmerized by the image. And thanks to the Internet...here's the actual picture which I hadn't seen myself in about 30 years.

I realized earlier this year that I have spent my life surrounded with images of that monument. This strong, almost masculine female image fascinated me. I was never quite sure why…and I’m still only theorizing. But now…in the midst of transition…a strong female who stands for liberation is one helluva good role model. And she makes a great guardian angel.

In addition, one of my favorite images has always been the famous Rosie The Riveter "We Can Do It" poster. Another fabulous strong-armed woman.

And now, here as evidence, are pics from our living room…

***********************************************************************

This one is the most important and influential for me. She hung on the basement wall as I grew up. I never consciously paid much attention to her…but she was always there…and when I moved away I realized how much I loved her.

Is she a drag queen? A tough broad? Who knows…I just love her strength and determination.

Next is a poster I found stored behind some stuff in the basement stairwell when I lived with Michael in San Francisco. It’s made of cardboard...and it’s a BEER AD…!!! But I think it’s beautiful.

And most recently, Mark bought me this gorgeous print and had it framed for us.

And then there’s Maude…I mean Rosie…

So, what does it mean?

I dunnoh...

But it sure is nice to finally feel true liberation. That enormous green metal lady should be proud.

Also: Mark found this cool old stamp the other day which I plan to scan, enlarge, print and hang on the wall right alongside the rest of those beefy-limbed ladies.

And one last thing: I have been really touched by the comments you've left on this blog. I wasn't even sure anyone would READ the thing, let alone offer such nice sentiments.

When you leave a comment please make sure to put your name in the message. There are a couple comments where I don't recognize the user (for example: "Chiron"). I'd like to be able to acknowledge y'all and lavish love on you too...so more info please...!!

My hormones are ajar...

2007-12-06T17:13:00.000-08:00

I just want to say that even though I love the effects fo the hormones...it would be nice if I could still open a friggen JAR...!!

Just had to vent.

Better days...

2007-12-06T12:51:00.000-08:00

Monday was bad…but each day since has gotten better.

First off…my sister Victoria was released from the hospital yesterday evening. There's nothing too major going on with her health. It was the flu. And she’s feeling better.

Whew!

My dear friends Ada and Pam opened a women’s fitness center a few months ago. Last week Pam started saying I should come work out. I desperately need the exercise…but I was hesitant about my gender status. I’m at a weird in-between state where I’m presenting fairly androgynously. I can pass in “boy mode”…but would my appearance in the gym make any of the members nervous or offended? To their amazing credit, the reaction from both Pam and Ada was “Don’t worry about it.” Besides, they explained, there are usually no members there in the first hour or so after they open at 8:00am.

Ok…so I swallowed hard and went on Tuesday morning.

After helping them deal with a major leak in the ceiling (which was supposedly fixed after the LAST rain, thank you very much…) I did a cardio class with Pam and then Ada showed me the ropes on the circuit.

It felt great…and I’ve gone every morning since.

I have met 3 of the members who have arrived while I was still working out. I was introduced as Daya, of course…and so far as I know, the world didn’t collapse on itself. I wasn’t arrested. And no one yelled at me or physically harmed me.

It’s been a revelation. And it’s been nice.

I’m so grateful to these women who are helping to make an important part of my journey no big deal. I’m really lucky to know them and to have their love and support.

And also this week...the absolutely true reality that I'm getting old:

I got my first pair of reading glasses yesterday…!!

They are a really light prescription…and only for reading…and only close up…but they’re glasses and it’s another first.

And yet one more first…a pic of me on this blog…from this morning…wearing my reading glasses. I was ready to leave for the gym.

This week started out tough. But today…through the rain and gloom outside…I feel wonderful inside. I feel good and right and steady…and on the correct path.

It’s a day to feel blessed.

A bad day...

2007-12-03T15:59:00.000-08:00

Sometimes those Mondays just seem surreal...

Today is one of those days.

Nothing I do seems to click...driving...web design...errands…

And most importantly...my sister called to say she's being readmitted to the hospital. She's not feeling well at all...and the doctors have to figure out what's going on.

It's very scary and very stressful.

Please send her your healing energies in prayer or whatever form that takes for you.

Most days have been great...but sometimes everything just seems to crash...and this is one of those days.

I feel old and fat and stupid for attempting this gender change. These feelings happen less and less as I go along...and I can be grateful that I don't feel like this 24-7-12-365 like I used to. But I also have to recognize the low moments.

I honor this low moment...and I'm writing about it so I can look back and see how smart I was for pushing through it rather than giving in to the darkness. I used to let this swing of the pendulum dictate my actions. Now I recognize it as the insecurity and superficiality that it is.

I saw my doctor the other day and everything is great with my blood work. I've added progesterone to my hormone regimen. I've also doubled my spiro (an androgen blocker). I'm happy about diving deeper. I just wish I could look in the mirror and see the right person looking back.

As I said...surreal.

These are thoughts I usually keep to myself. But I promised I would not edit myself...and I want to document everything important.

I'm looking into legal name change...and while I can probably change my name...it will be harder to change my gender flag (especially on my birth certificate) without surgery. And since I can't see when I'll have the funds for that kind of thing, the whole endeavor sorta falls a little short.

I've read lots of stuff tht says you should not undertake a gender change if there's ANY other way to live in your birth gender. It's just so hard and expensive and time consuming.

But...I'm sure...

...and I'm determined.

I just HAVE to feel some authenticity before I die.

I've had weird dreams the last few nights. Last night I had to force myself to completely wake up around 2:00am because my dream (whatever is was) was so horrible that I didn’t want to fall right back to sleep and right back into it. But the night before last I woke up laughing.

Weird.

It’s a bit of a roller coaster the last few days.

But it makes me feel better to write this…to share…

More than a woman...

2007-11-27T14:44:00.000-08:00

There are lots of exciting things going on in my life. My gender transition is a big one…but not the only one.

I made the decision a year ago to stop performing. I knew I would have to do so in order to transition. Being a union performer puts me in heavy competition for very few jobs in the Bay Area…and I am not prepared or interested in trying to compete as an female actor. I’ve been performing for almost 6 years…and it’s been glorious, but it’s time to move on to other endeavors.

Having said that, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stay away from performing completely. I do love to sing. But…the hormones I take will never change my baritone voice…so…well…I don’t really know what to do with that.

I’ve always wanted to write a musical…and now I have the opportunity. Earlier this year my friend Molly Bell and I began brainstorming ideas we might develop into a live show. We talked for a few weeks about a sketch-type stage project…but that kept hitting dead ends.

There was a kernel of an idea slithering around in Molly's brain about a Britney Spears-like pop performer. She approached me with an idea for a full length show about Britney herself…and she invited me to collaborate with her. We started working on it last February and haven’t stopped since.

The show we’re writing is called BECOMING BRITNEY. We've finished the general outline and shape of the show. We have the songs and know what happens over the 90-minute length. We also just recently…like yesterday…finished a few demo recordings.

Molly and I are co-writers…co-producers…co-directors…and she will star in the show. We’re hoping to do a staged reading workshop of the show in February…and at some point soon we want to mount the show for real.

It’s all very exciting…and fun…and really really creatively satisfying.

We had some invaluable musical assistance at the very beginning from the fabulous Billy Liberatore. And since then we’ve been working with Matt Hohensee, who has assisted us in forcing the scattered thoughts in our heads into some kind of sense on the keyboard and on paper. Matt has done a Herculean job of making it so…and also tolerating what I call my “maelstrom of specificity”, which leaves the weak-hearted feeling like they want to run a spike through their temple.

I'm very specific.

I should also publicly thank Katie Coleman...Matt's lovely partner...for putting up with us and even jumping in and lending hand and voice when necessary.

So…along the way you’ll be hearing about this project as well.

In fact, here’s a preview of one of the demo recordings. This is called “My I Want Song”. I’ve printed the lyrics below so you can follow along. Be patient...the player may take a few moments to load depending on your Internet connection speed.

Enjoy!

“My I Want Song” from BECOMING BRITNEY
Copyright 2007 Molly Bell and D Curley

THIS IS THE TIME IN MY STORY
WHERE I MANAGE TO BREAK IT ALL DOWN
IT IS HERE AT THIS POINT
WHERE I LEARN FROM MISTAKES
IT IS HERE IN THE STORY THAT YOU GET A TASTE OF ME

THIS IS THE TIME IN MY STORY
CAUSE IT'S ABOUT THE THIRD OR FOURTH SONG
IT IS HERE AT THIS PLACE
WHERE YOU START TO CRY CAUSE MY BEAUTIFUL VOICE IS MELODIC AND FLIES

I NEED AN I WANT SONG
SOMETHING COOL AND LIGHT AND GAY
AN I WANT SONG
TO SEND MY TROUBLES ON THEIR WAY

CAUSE IN A MUSICAL YOU NEED A SONG
THAT MAKES YOU SWOON AND HUM ALONG
AN I WANT SONG
WHERE IS MY I WANT SONG?

I'M JUST LIKE THOSE OTHER HEROES
DREAMED A DREAM WITH BANNERS UNFURLED
LIKE ANNIE YEARNED FOR TOMORROW
AND ARIEL LONGED TO BE LEGGY
AND PART OF OUR WORLD

LIKE FRAULEIN MARIA WANTED ALL OF THOSE CHILDREN
TO LOOK UP TO HER, NOW I SEE
THAT I'M MUCH LIKE THEM AND I NEED FIND
A WAY TO PORTRAY IN THREE MINUTES OR MORE
MY HARD KNOCK AND CONFIDENT AND
LOVERLY DESIRE TO BE FREE

I NEED AN I WANT SONG
TO DESCRIBE INTERNAL STRIFE
AN I WANT SONG
TO GIVE MY FANTASY A LIFE

I NEED A SONG THAT MAKES THE PUBLIC DANCE
AND GIVES ME MY DESERVING CHANCE
AN I WANT SONG
WHERE IS MY I WANT SONG?

AND THE MUSIC STARTS TO SOAR
AND YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT RISE
I AM BELTING WAY UP HIGH
WATCH ME BRIGHTEN UP MY EYES

BET YA HAVEN'T HEARD ME SING LIKE THIS
WELL THERE'S A LOT ABOUT ME YOU DON'T KNOW
I'LL FIND MY I WANT SONG
I EXPLORE MY FEELINGS AND START TO GROW

I GUESS THE TIME IS HERE
YOU CAN FEEL THE MUSIC START TO PUMP
I TELL YOU ABOUT MY FEAR
HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS SLUMP
AS THE CHORDS BEGIN TO CHANGE
I TELL YOU WHAT I'M TRYING TO BE

YOU MAY THINK IT STRANGE
A GIRL LIKE ME HAS ALL AND MORE
IT'S TIME I REARRANGE
PRIORITIES DOWN TO MY CORE
WATCH ME ARTICULATE
I FEEL SO ALIVE AND FREE

I SEE IT, I HEAR IT
I HEAR IT, I SEE IT
I SEE IT AND HEAR IT
I FOUND IT, MY SONG!
I FOUND MY I WANT SONG
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I SAY
MY I WANT SONG
AND YOU'LL LISTEN ANYWAY
CAUSE IN THIS MUSICAL THIS IS A SONG
TO MAKE YOU SWOON AND HUM ALONG

AS I DISCUSS MY FUTURE FATE
NOW AS THE MUSIC STARTS TO POUR
I WILL NO LONGER HESITATE
I'LL BE THE GIRL I'M LOOKING FOR
LOOKING FOOOOOOORRRRR

GIRL SHE’S LOOKING, LOOKING FOR!

THIS IS HER I WANT SONG
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT WE SAY
THIS IS HER I WANT SONG
WE'RE SECONDARY ANYWAY
CAUSE IN A MUSICAL YOU NEED A SONG
TO MAKE YOU SWOON AND HUM ALONG
SEE IN A MUSICAL THERE COMES A TIME
TO DISTRACT YOUR MINDS WITH SIMPLE RHYMES
AND IN THIS MUSICAL, WHICH IS ABOUT THAT GIRL

THIS SONG'S MY PROMISE TO TAKE ON THE WORLD
I FOUND MY I WANT SONG
ARE YOU CRYING YET?

OKAYYYYYYY!

And one last thing...I love Corrinne madly...!! She knows what that means...

Today is, in fact, another Daya...

2007-11-20T18:57:00.000-08:00

SEVERAL more Dayas actually...!

As I suspected, many of you have offered your own blog titles...and I want to share them here.

Before I go any farther I have to give some credit to my partner Mark for riffing the original list with me on a long walk the other night. When I didn't credit him in yesterday's post, he threatened (ever so gently) to never walk with me again. So, thank you my love...!!

I hadn’t included everything from the original list. Here are the dregs:

Here toDaya, gone tomorrow
The good old Dayas
As honest as the Daya is long
Call it a Daya
Forever and a Daya
I wasn’t born yesterDaya
Naked as the Daya you were born
Groundhog Daya
Bright as Daya
Clear as Daya
One Daya my prince will come
The living Dayalights
Save it for a rainy Daya
Shall I compare thee to a summer's Daya

And here are some offerings from you brilliant people. I won’t use names in case y’all don’t want to be listed here. You’ll know who you are…

DAY-a! Me say Day, me say Day, me say Da-a-a-a-ya!
(dayalight come, and me wanna go home...)

Daya The Dead

Around the World in 80 Dayas

Dayas of Our Lives

Long Daya's Journey Into Night

Oh Happy Daya

Great Daya in the morning!

Happy Dayas are here again!

What a difference a Daya makes

I have always Daya-pended on the kindness of strangers

All Daya all night, Maryann

Ok…

We’re done?

That was fun.

I should also point out a comment sent to me by my brother-in-law. I had opened the blog by saying “I'm not sure spilling one's guts in a public diary is the best way to leave a legacy.”…to which he replied “Well you could always password protect it.”

I presented BS as philosophy and he called it BS. Keep me honest, people…!! That’s what I need.

I was in San Francisco today for my last regularly scheduled therapy session. I never thought I’d feel it, but I just have no urgent issues to work out these days. There’s the usual “accepting myself” bullshit…but that’s coming…slowly…and it needs to come from within me anyway.

So…I’m on my own…the mistress of my own domain. And, as I’ve recently discovered in a major way…I’ve got all of YOU as well. I am emboldened by your love and I can’t fail…!!