States of dis(grace)...angry voices from the (possible) past...

I just received a comment posted to one of my "Across The Abyss" posts.

I decided when I started this blog to moderate posts, so I would have control over any spam or negative energy flowing my way. I guess I should probably just delete this comment and ignore it. But...I have decided to post this rant (edited a little for language) here. The writer of this anonymous message fascinates me. I will try to turn their words into a healing lesson.

"What a disgrace you are to the TG community everywhere. You are a f*#$%ng wanna-be c$%t, C$%T. I hope you treat others with love and grace because you are totally engrossed with yourself and don't know when you find the time to do so. Think about the people you have hurt in your past from your selfishness and the karma you are living now. During high school I knew you were a basketful. Now I know why. I hope your hormones (or lack of) don't implode on you. But I guess you will never see the harm and evil you have transferred to those around you."

It's signed "R". Just an "R". I'm not even sure that stray letter is supposed to represent a signature. I'm not going to comb through my high school yearbook trying to figure out who "R' is, so we'll just have to consider this an anonymous message.


Let's pull it apart:

"What a disgrace you are to the TG community everywhere."

The writer uses the term "TG community". Either they are part of that community themselves or they picked up the language.

When I was in high school I was told I was a disgrace to the gay community because I was too effeminate. Now I'm told I'm a disgrace to the TG community. Without specifics I can't begin to answer to this accusation. I admire all TG people...and I strive to be a good example and a teacher. Perhaps I'm going about it the wrong way. I know for sure I handled myself poorly on the ship when I was called "sir" by those waiters. That's regrettable, but all I can do is learn from it and not do that again.


"You are a f*#$%ng wanna-be c$%&, C$%&."

This next line already degenerates into name calling. That's sad, because it takes the power away from the first line. I guess it's true...I guess I am a bit of a "wanna-be", whatever that means. If I'm honest with myself I have never really found my groove, and I'm still on a quest for that. I'm not sure how NOT to be a wanna-be. Perhaps this "R" person could point me in the right direction. Can people never improve "R"? Was I doomed at birth in your humble opinion to forever be a terrible person?


"I hope you treat others with love and grace because you are totally engrossed with yourself and don't know when you find the time to do so."

Engrossed with myself? I guess that's true. I'm also engrossed with the Love of my Life Mark, my incredible parents, all our wonderful friends, all the inspiring women and men in Saturday dance class, my amazing electrologist (who is also a trans woman, has become a very good friend, and with whom I love spending those hours each week), my clever web clients, Sirius Satellite Radio (to which I listen every day, bringing me music, laughs and interesting personalities), movies, nutrition and exercise, cooking, television, theatre...

When I was performing, being engrossed in myself was a job responsibility. Now, I try to be more well-rounded. I know many people can become very one-note when they start gender transition. I recognized that possibility in me so I tried hard to retain balance. At the beginning of transition I was lucky in a very awful way. My dear sister was diagnosed with Leukemia. It was impossible for me to put my transition center stage. That became the template. I can't speak to any self-engrossing behavior back in high school. If you can fill me in, "R", I would appreciate the snapshot.


"Think about the people you have hurt in your past from your selfishness and the karma you are living now."

I believe in Karma...and I do think about it, I promise you that. If I don't know I hurt someone in the past how can I think about it? If you're not willing to tell me what I did to you, how can I atone in my heart? I take your words seriously. I do. And I will continue to move through the remainder of my life in a more loving way. We can all use more love, yes?


"During high school I knew you were a basketful. Now I know why."

I'm not sure if you and I really attended school together, of if you're just saying that for convenience to make a point. Either way, the term "basketful" is hilarious, and I'll use it myself sometime if you don't mind. I'm sure I was a basketful in high school, I can't even stand the thought of me MYSELF! If I am still like that it's not because I strive to be like that. I just don't know any other way to be in the world. I'm trying. Thankfully I'm surrounded by people who are a little more patient with me than you appear to be. I'm insanely lucky and grateful.

I spent the entire 12 years of school in terror, of others and of myself. I didn't know how to conduct myself, I was beat and mocked and ignored like so many others were and are. I remember at the beginning of high school, all I wanted was to be in the drama club, to be accepted. I was so shy that I sat in a corner and didn't speak to anyone. No one spoke to me. Later I was told that "everyone thought you were arrogant".

I never had the tools to be comfortable in the world. I'm still not quite there...but I'm getting closer.

There are many things I regret from my earlier life. There are many things I regret from my not-so-earlier life. I've made lots of mistakes...and maybe I've mishandled (consciously and unconsciously) the feelings of others. In fact, I'm sure of it.

I don't quite get the "Now I know why." part. Is this supposed to mean I'm a tool because I'm trans? Doesn't that mean "R" is bad for the TG community too?


"I hope your hormones (or lack of) don't implode on you."

I hope not too...!!! It's a delicate balance...but I have a great doctor and so far so good. I'm healthier than I've ever been. I'm connected to my body in a way I couldn't dream. So yes, I also hope nothing goes wrong!


"But I guess you will never see the harm and evil you have transferred to those around you."

Unfortunately, without your help "R" I feel you're right about this. But I will tell you, I WANT to know. I want to know about and accept it without ego and try to atone for any pain I might have caused. I don't think I did any of it on purpose. If you can bring yourself to give me more details I would be sincerely grateful. If you ever want to really reach out and let me know what I did to you to hurt you so badly, I will accept your thoughts with love and understanding. I can't take it back without a time machine, but I can apologize. And most importantly I can learn.

I am humbled by your message even though I don't agree with your methods. You must feel passionately or you would not have taken the time to write. I will attempt to be more selfless in my life...a good goal for which all of us should constantly strive. It will be hard to not appear self-centered here on this blog since this forum is, in its rawest form, about me. So don't expect any changes here. But I will take your reminder and apply it in my dealings with the world.

In a weird way, a message like yours is a gift. It's all in how we take it. And even though it's wrapped in pain and strong language, I take it with love. Thank you...