Sah-WING batahhhh...

I was gifted a cute new brown suede purse by a friend.

I just noticed it smells like a baseball mitt!

Finally I own something with that smell which I like...and know what to do with...

Looking back...Looking forward...

My first attempt at gender transition came in 1991. I lived in San Francisco. In fact, I lived and worked in The Castro. One might think that was a plus…but I had never felt like such an alien in my life…and that comes from a lifetime alien.

I was 25 years old…and through the haze of insecurity, fear and youth…I couldn’t picture myself there post transition. I stopped the transition cold.

Fast forward to October 2006. Living in Mountain View in a fairly public career as a performer, I sit myself down and ask myself straight out: “what is it you want?”

The answer was clear. I wanted to transition. It was exhilarating and devastating….and I did not know where it would lead “this time”.

When I reactivated my transition I missed living in San Francisco with every fiber. I remembered only the good stuff…and never considered it might be better for me to transition outside the bubble of political correctness that exists there.

My relationship situation made a move back to SF impossible (and for that I’m ever so grateful). My experience with transition has been extraordinarily smooth so far. I recognize how fortunate I am compared to most differently-presenting people. I have had universal love and support from family and friends…and if I did lose any people along the way I don’t know about it.

But…

I’m over 2 years in now. Life is now just…standard. There aren’t a lot of new things happening.

Now I have to figure out the nitty gritty of how I live in the world with this presentation.

What does it mean to be transgender?
Where exactly do I fall on the gender continuum?
Does it matter?

What is my role and responsibility in the world?

How can I be of service?

I’m going on a cruise in January. This is a trip my parents have been planning for years to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

It seems fraught with possible pain for a trans person. But I also hope that I can affect my captive audience in subtle and important ways that no amount of picketing or demonstrations could.

I’ll bring a copy of this post with me on the ship for those times when I want to crawl into a hole…to remind myself about this brave intention.

Insipid thought while working out...

I exercise every day because if I'm turned by a vampire I wouldn't want to be flabby for all eternity.

Eating right...well...tryin'...

I've been on a healthy eating kick. I'm always fighting extra weight (which at 46 and on so many hormones is a full-time job) but I'm trying to balance that out with eating in ways I've heretofore been fearful of for one reason or another.

I'm home roasting veggies. I'm waiting to put them in the oven. This is a "before" pic:


The thyme sitting on the veggies looks kinda gross in the picture...but trust me...they look fantastic in person!!

I'm cooking sweet potatoes right now...and they take a full hour...so I started those while I cut up all these gorgeous vegetables.

Life has a richness that it didn't before Victoria died. I have such gratefulness for my life and to have the opportunity to be here on a Monday afternoon with this lovely food.

We also finally have some tomatoes from our upsidedown garden. The cherry tomatoes are more plentiful than the larger ones...but here is the first of our harvest:

Job?...What job?

Times are tough. It was clear I would reach this point. The writing was on the wall. Last November I lost one of my biggest clients. Soon after, it was apparent that my other biggest client had every intention of slowing down to a trickle.

I find myself in the position of needing a job. I haven’t been without a job since 1994. All my occupations since then have flowed freely one into the next. My life always seemed to take the next path smoothly.

Not so much now.

Times are tough.

It figures I’m looking for work in a job market I haven’t dealt with for 7 years...when unemployment is at it’s highest in decades...and I’m in transition.

I’m not sure where to turn or how to even start.

I have some ideas and I’m starting to network with friends. I am setting intentions and expecting to manifest a new path any second now.

But at this moment…time seems to stand still.