A song I love...that I hate to hear...

In dance class on Saturday, the cool-down song was "Falling Slowly", the Oscar-winning song from the movie ONCE. This song was also used in class about two months ago. Back then, when the song burst forth from the speakers I burst into tears and ran out of the studio, crying in the parking lot.

The movie ONCE was released sometime in the late spring or early summer of 2007. Mark and I loved it...and I immediately knew my sister Victoria had to see it. Victoria and I saw many many movies together over our 40+ years...but adult life had a way of slowing that down and we had not had that opportunity in a long time.

At that point, my sister was in treatment for leukemia. I can't quite remember the timeline of her ups and downs...but I do remember she had been on a downswing for quite a while, unable to go out or exert too much energy. But at that moment, not only was she on an upswing, she was well enough to travel down the peninsula and spend the day with me, a very rare occurrence indeed. We were able to see the film together, the last theatrical experience we had together (the next and last film we ever watched together was THE MUSIC MAN on DVD at her home when she was on her final long downswing).

Victoria loved the movie ONCE as much as I knew she would...more if that's possible. We cried and cried about it. The movie delivers a message about remaining true to yourself and letting your emotional self live large despite any odds and obstacles you perceive.

After the movie we had lunch together. It was an infrequent and wonderful day with my sister. And the last such day I would ever have with her.

After seeing the film, Victoria told all her friends about it, encouraging them to see it, making copies of the soundtrack to help them fall in love with it too. She ordered them to see it, making a lot of noise about how she felt.

The song "Falling Slowly" was nominated for and won the Oscar for best song. It was a triumph that seemed to mirror the hope in the film.



When Victoria passed away I made a video for her memorial, attempting to encompass a life snuffed out way too soon. As background music I ended up with 2 songs. "Forever Young" by Alphaville was an 80s dance anthem that always drew she and I to the dance floor as if in a trance. Our friends would mock us, saying if that song was playing you could always find the Curley kids on the dance floor with huge smiles plastered on their faces. The second song was the obvious choice...but even when I inserted it into the video editor I didn't yet understand how appropriate the choice was. At first it was just a second song that meant something very important to both me and sister.

But once I saw the song in the context of Victoria's fight against cancer the meaning of the words completely changed.

You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Even writing this now is too much for me. I have trouble seeing the keyboard through the tears that wake in Pavlovian response to this lyric and all the wonderful, horrible memories attached to it.

For context, here is the video I made for Victoria. The song in question starts about 1/3 of the way into the 11.5 minute presentation. Click on a flower to start the video...



So...a few weeks back...after a vigorous exercise class...the last thing I expected to hear were the mournful strains of that ballad which has such heavy meaning attached. When it started I gasped...and I grabbed my belongings and ran out...crying hard...and changed into my street shoes just outside the studio door. The windows were open and I was only able to achieve the silence I craved when I finally got in my car and closed the door.

Last Saturday in dance class...like another surprising left hook...the song came on again.

I had 2 choices:

1. Run and cry


2. Stand and face the feelings, and try to make a place in my world to hear the song...let it flow over me...let the memories happen...and try to remember that glorious day when Victoria and I were able to laugh and cry together and have a profound experience appreciating this amazing piece of music.

I chose #2, obviously, and for the first time since my sister died, I was able to hear that song without crying.

I suppose the act of not crying seems like a small accomplishment, but for me it was a Battle Royale for the entire 3:20 length.

I miss my sister. The pain is so fresh that it makes me angry.

But at least she and I had that moment in 2007...the whole time assuming she was on the mend...not knowing it was our last opportunity for this kind of outing and therefore enjoying it with the fullness of our passion for the film and that song.