Across The Abyss #1...a series of arcs...

I'm starting a new series on this blog. I've been mulling this over for a long time.







I have a set of journals that I kept from January 23, 1988 through February 2, 1996. These manic and intense writings create a picture of a world full of insecurity and fear...a mind often fueled by substances. I'm not sure how forward I'll be about the substances part...but that isn't what is important here anyway.


The first journal starts innocently as a tool to keep track of what I ate in an effort to lose weight. Over the years the pages become infected with self hate as my trans feelings come racing to the front of my conscious mind.

I was 25 years old when the journals start...and I was fresh off the boat from Michigan...and I was ill prepared to deal with my feelings...although if I'm honest, this was exactly the reason I moved 2500 miles away from where I was born. I came to California to find myself.

My intent with this once-in-a-while series is to look honestly across the abyss and revisit these points in my past in an effort to remind myself how far I've come and to reassure myself how "good I have it" now. I dreamed then of being where I am now (at least in regard to my gender status)...but I didn't have the faith to leap for it.

I assume this will be painful for me. But I also assume this will help me in some therapeutic way. Otherwise I wouldn't take on the challenge.

There is a LOT to be embarrassed about in these books. I've always feared someone finding them if something happened to me. What on earth would they think of me?!?!

Maybe if I can reconnect with those injured parts of my psyche...maybe then I can throw these journals on the fire (figuratively and perhaps even literally) and move on in an even more integrated way.

I consider myself a very level-headed and emotionally healthy person. Perhaps this journey is unnecessary and possibly destructive. Not sure.

My gut tells me to try.

So...

Here goes...

Into the abyss...