Across The Abyss #2...not what I expected...

I've been reading the journals.

I don't know what I expected, but my reaction to them is not what I thought it might be.

I plowed through the first (and smallest) journal. At one point I was doing dishes and I pondered the story and characters. I wondered how it would turn out. I realized I was thinking of the journal!! Reading them is coming across, in some strange way, like reading a novel.

So far I've finished all of journal #1 and journal #2 up to page 57 (of 507 pages total). I assumed I would want to stop along the way and comment...and I do have comments...but I can't put it down...and I feel I need to get through it organically and then try to circle back and comment. At least that's how I feel at this point.

The first book only covers from January 23rd - May 2nd, 1988. the main focus was simply to lose weight. During this period I went from 196 pounds to 168. It was the largest weight loss I had experienced in a lifetime of Weight Watchers and Melba Toast.

Also during this brief period, I became infatuated with a series of men (boys, really). I'm embarrassed to see how naive and desperate I was. I was also blind to the signs, which were plentiful and right in front of my face.


Unrequited love is a painful thing. Lots of us can relate to it.

I made it an art form.

I had a real talent for finding guys I craved...but who were unavailable in some form (or sometimes many forms). Most of the subjects of my focus were straight. But even the ones who were not...well...they were not the proper object of my desire and/or they didn't not return my affection.

The first journal reads like it was written by a manic-depressive. I seem to flip from thrilled to devastated and back again in the space of hours or days...week after week after week.

I don't know how my friends tolerated me. I was certifiable.

But...I was learning. I was away from home for the first time...a stranger in a strange land...and while I was most certainly freaking out on a constant basis, I also managed to grow. A little.

I opened the first journal with a quote from a song lyric...and also a new-agey statement to myself.



The song lyric is from "This is the Day" by THE THE


I'm not sure why I added the quote on January 31st. I guess after writing regularly for a week I felt the journal idea would stick...and perhaps possibly even make some kind of philosophical difference in my life.

I have lots more to say about journal #1...but I'll leave it there today.

David was a nervous and needy person. I find myself rooting for him. But alas...he never quite made it. I believe he was the best construct I could have created for myself. He lasted 43 years before he needed to be retired. The gooey inner core...the hidden and protected part...the person I felt I actually was and am...finally gets to wake and walk around. Sigh.

David as a personality was false in many ways...the product of my perceived expectations from the world around me...and also from my own unwillingness to take this leap of faith.

There will be no surprises with the finale of this plot. I do know what happens to this character in the end...but I'm still rooting.