Looking back...Looking forward...
My first attempt at gender transition came in 1991. I lived in San Francisco. In fact, I lived and worked in The Castro. One might think that was a plus…but I had never felt like such an alien in my life…and that comes from a lifetime alien.
I was 25 years old…and through the haze of insecurity, fear and youth…I couldn’t picture myself there post transition. I stopped the transition cold.
Fast forward to October 2006. Living in Mountain View in a fairly public career as a performer, I sit myself down and ask myself straight out: “what is it you want?”
The answer was clear. I wanted to transition. It was exhilarating and devastating….and I did not know where it would lead “this time”.
When I reactivated my transition I missed living in San Francisco with every fiber. I remembered only the good stuff…and never considered it might be better for me to transition outside the bubble of political correctness that exists there.
My relationship situation made a move back to SF impossible (and for that I’m ever so grateful). My experience with transition has been extraordinarily smooth so far. I recognize how fortunate I am compared to most differently-presenting people. I have had universal love and support from family and friends…and if I did lose any people along the way I don’t know about it.
But…
I’m over 2 years in now. Life is now just…standard. There aren’t a lot of new things happening.
Now I have to figure out the nitty gritty of how I live in the world with this presentation.
What does it mean to be transgender?
Where exactly do I fall on the gender continuum?
Does it matter?
What is my role and responsibility in the world?
How can I be of service?
I’m going on a cruise in January. This is a trip my parents have been planning for years to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
It seems fraught with possible pain for a trans person. But I also hope that I can affect my captive audience in subtle and important ways that no amount of picketing or demonstrations could.
I’ll bring a copy of this post with me on the ship for those times when I want to crawl into a hole…to remind myself about this brave intention.
I was 25 years old…and through the haze of insecurity, fear and youth…I couldn’t picture myself there post transition. I stopped the transition cold.
Fast forward to October 2006. Living in Mountain View in a fairly public career as a performer, I sit myself down and ask myself straight out: “what is it you want?”
The answer was clear. I wanted to transition. It was exhilarating and devastating….and I did not know where it would lead “this time”.
When I reactivated my transition I missed living in San Francisco with every fiber. I remembered only the good stuff…and never considered it might be better for me to transition outside the bubble of political correctness that exists there.
My relationship situation made a move back to SF impossible (and for that I’m ever so grateful). My experience with transition has been extraordinarily smooth so far. I recognize how fortunate I am compared to most differently-presenting people. I have had universal love and support from family and friends…and if I did lose any people along the way I don’t know about it.
But…
I’m over 2 years in now. Life is now just…standard. There aren’t a lot of new things happening.
Now I have to figure out the nitty gritty of how I live in the world with this presentation.
What does it mean to be transgender?
Where exactly do I fall on the gender continuum?
Does it matter?
What is my role and responsibility in the world?
How can I be of service?
I’m going on a cruise in January. This is a trip my parents have been planning for years to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
It seems fraught with possible pain for a trans person. But I also hope that I can affect my captive audience in subtle and important ways that no amount of picketing or demonstrations could.
I’ll bring a copy of this post with me on the ship for those times when I want to crawl into a hole…to remind myself about this brave intention.
posted by Daya Curley at
10:48 AM
2 Comments:
Daya,
I can only applaud you for having the courage and strength to do what is right for you as a person. Please know that there are a lot of people out here who support you mentally. Keep up the good posts.
1993 my first "real" job out of college, and my closest coworker was a man on his way to transitioning to a woman. There isn't a better way to discover the complexities of gender than to have a friend who is living out one of the most difficult ones. We've lost touch, but I hope she is doing well. Whenever I read your blog I feel proud of all the strangers out there who are taking on the challenge of being who they want to be. It's not something everyone can do, and I'm not just talking gender either.
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