A small embrace from a clerk with something extra…
I just returned home from Walgreen’s drug store. I needed a couple things and despite the fact that I was reticent about going I went anyway. I was hesitant because it’s a store where I’ve been shopping for 6 years...and there’s one woman who works during the weekdays with whom I have a cordial relationship. I normally see her when I shop at this store...she once sold me some foundation makeup. Since I was still deeply in the trans closet at the time I made sure to tell her I was an actor and I needed it for the stage. That was true, but I really didn’t owe her an explanation.
Whenever I see her we make small talk. She’s Asian and has an accent, so the communication is a little bumpy sometimes, but she’s very nice and she seems to light up when she sees me.
She has not seen me in full makeup and women’s clothes yet. I mean, it’s just jeans and a basic top…I’m not in a sequined gown or anything…but I’m definitely presenting female. I always hate to see that confused look on clerk’s faces. Most of my local stores are now aware…but Walgreen’s was one of my last stands.
So…I went to Walgreen’s because I really needed the stuff and I try never to avoid situations that I’m nervous about. There’s nothing to gain if you fear and don’t push forward in life.
When I walked in she was, typically, in view down the first aisle, which is the cosmetics aisle. I did not make eye contact. I went to the second aisle to look for something. After a couple minutes she came down my aisle. I think she saw me come in and wanted an encounter.
I looked up and said hello. She smiled and said hello. Then she said “I like your purse very much.” “Thank you,” I said and turned back to the shelf. But we were alone and she was right there so I said “You haven’t seen me like this yet. I’ve changed genders.”
“Oh, that’s good!” she beamed.
“Yes, it’s a good thing for me. I’m much happier.”
She walked over. She asked about my partner Mark. She repeated a few times how different I seemed and how nice I looked. I allowed myself to bask in her approval. I’ve learned to accept approval in a way I never really could as David.
She told me when I was done shopping to come to her and she would ring me up at the cosmetics counter. I finished shopping and did that. As she was bagging my items she said “The first time I saw you in here…the first time...I said to myself…if he was a woman he would be a beautiful woman. The FIRST TIME!”
“You must have sensed something about me,” I said.
Despite using the term "beautiful" perhaps a little too liberally, she was clearly tickled and seemed to feel validated.
“It’s good,” she said a final time.
“Yes...it is. It’s very good. I’ve wanted this since I was 4 years old. I waited until I was 45...but I finally got it. It’s a good, good thing.”
With that we said our goodbyes and I left on a cloud.
I don’t know what these things mean. I believe her when she says she had that thought about me. I had a teacher in high school who once told me she thought I would look good as a girl. What would make someone say that? It's odd, espeically since I worked so hard to hide those feelings.
These things used to haunt and tease me. I wanted to figure it all out (without actually figuring it out, if you know what I mean) and it made me a bit nuts. But now...finally embodied as Daya....it just feels like a pat on the back.
It’s a good, good thing.
Whenever I see her we make small talk. She’s Asian and has an accent, so the communication is a little bumpy sometimes, but she’s very nice and she seems to light up when she sees me.
She has not seen me in full makeup and women’s clothes yet. I mean, it’s just jeans and a basic top…I’m not in a sequined gown or anything…but I’m definitely presenting female. I always hate to see that confused look on clerk’s faces. Most of my local stores are now aware…but Walgreen’s was one of my last stands.
So…I went to Walgreen’s because I really needed the stuff and I try never to avoid situations that I’m nervous about. There’s nothing to gain if you fear and don’t push forward in life.
When I walked in she was, typically, in view down the first aisle, which is the cosmetics aisle. I did not make eye contact. I went to the second aisle to look for something. After a couple minutes she came down my aisle. I think she saw me come in and wanted an encounter.
I looked up and said hello. She smiled and said hello. Then she said “I like your purse very much.” “Thank you,” I said and turned back to the shelf. But we were alone and she was right there so I said “You haven’t seen me like this yet. I’ve changed genders.”
“Oh, that’s good!” she beamed.
“Yes, it’s a good thing for me. I’m much happier.”
She walked over. She asked about my partner Mark. She repeated a few times how different I seemed and how nice I looked. I allowed myself to bask in her approval. I’ve learned to accept approval in a way I never really could as David.
She told me when I was done shopping to come to her and she would ring me up at the cosmetics counter. I finished shopping and did that. As she was bagging my items she said “The first time I saw you in here…the first time...I said to myself…if he was a woman he would be a beautiful woman. The FIRST TIME!”
“You must have sensed something about me,” I said.
Despite using the term "beautiful" perhaps a little too liberally, she was clearly tickled and seemed to feel validated.
“It’s good,” she said a final time.
“Yes...it is. It’s very good. I’ve wanted this since I was 4 years old. I waited until I was 45...but I finally got it. It’s a good, good thing.”
With that we said our goodbyes and I left on a cloud.
I don’t know what these things mean. I believe her when she says she had that thought about me. I had a teacher in high school who once told me she thought I would look good as a girl. What would make someone say that? It's odd, espeically since I worked so hard to hide those feelings.
These things used to haunt and tease me. I wanted to figure it all out (without actually figuring it out, if you know what I mean) and it made me a bit nuts. But now...finally embodied as Daya....it just feels like a pat on the back.
It’s a good, good thing.
posted by Daya Curley at
2:00 PM
2 Comments
