A small embrace from a clerk with something extra…
I just returned home from Walgreen’s drug store. I needed a couple things and despite the fact that I was reticent about going I went anyway. I was hesitant because it’s a store where I’ve been shopping for 6 years...and there’s one woman who works during the weekdays with whom I have a cordial relationship. I normally see her when I shop at this store...she once sold me some foundation makeup. Since I was still deeply in the trans closet at the time I made sure to tell her I was an actor and I needed it for the stage. That was true, but I really didn’t owe her an explanation.
Whenever I see her we make small talk. She’s Asian and has an accent, so the communication is a little bumpy sometimes, but she’s very nice and she seems to light up when she sees me.
She has not seen me in full makeup and women’s clothes yet. I mean, it’s just jeans and a basic top…I’m not in a sequined gown or anything…but I’m definitely presenting female. I always hate to see that confused look on clerk’s faces. Most of my local stores are now aware…but Walgreen’s was one of my last stands.
So…I went to Walgreen’s because I really needed the stuff and I try never to avoid situations that I’m nervous about. There’s nothing to gain if you fear and don’t push forward in life.
When I walked in she was, typically, in view down the first aisle, which is the cosmetics aisle. I did not make eye contact. I went to the second aisle to look for something. After a couple minutes she came down my aisle. I think she saw me come in and wanted an encounter.
I looked up and said hello. She smiled and said hello. Then she said “I like your purse very much.” “Thank you,” I said and turned back to the shelf. But we were alone and she was right there so I said “You haven’t seen me like this yet. I’ve changed genders.”
“Oh, that’s good!” she beamed.
“Yes, it’s a good thing for me. I’m much happier.”
She walked over. She asked about my partner Mark. She repeated a few times how different I seemed and how nice I looked. I allowed myself to bask in her approval. I’ve learned to accept approval in a way I never really could as David.
She told me when I was done shopping to come to her and she would ring me up at the cosmetics counter. I finished shopping and did that. As she was bagging my items she said “The first time I saw you in here…the first time...I said to myself…if he was a woman he would be a beautiful woman. The FIRST TIME!”
“You must have sensed something about me,” I said.
Despite using the term "beautiful" perhaps a little too liberally, she was clearly tickled and seemed to feel validated.
“It’s good,” she said a final time.
“Yes...it is. It’s very good. I’ve wanted this since I was 4 years old. I waited until I was 45...but I finally got it. It’s a good, good thing.”
With that we said our goodbyes and I left on a cloud.
I don’t know what these things mean. I believe her when she says she had that thought about me. I had a teacher in high school who once told me she thought I would look good as a girl. What would make someone say that? It's odd, espeically since I worked so hard to hide those feelings.
These things used to haunt and tease me. I wanted to figure it all out (without actually figuring it out, if you know what I mean) and it made me a bit nuts. But now...finally embodied as Daya....it just feels like a pat on the back.
It’s a good, good thing.
Whenever I see her we make small talk. She’s Asian and has an accent, so the communication is a little bumpy sometimes, but she’s very nice and she seems to light up when she sees me.
She has not seen me in full makeup and women’s clothes yet. I mean, it’s just jeans and a basic top…I’m not in a sequined gown or anything…but I’m definitely presenting female. I always hate to see that confused look on clerk’s faces. Most of my local stores are now aware…but Walgreen’s was one of my last stands.
So…I went to Walgreen’s because I really needed the stuff and I try never to avoid situations that I’m nervous about. There’s nothing to gain if you fear and don’t push forward in life.
When I walked in she was, typically, in view down the first aisle, which is the cosmetics aisle. I did not make eye contact. I went to the second aisle to look for something. After a couple minutes she came down my aisle. I think she saw me come in and wanted an encounter.
I looked up and said hello. She smiled and said hello. Then she said “I like your purse very much.” “Thank you,” I said and turned back to the shelf. But we were alone and she was right there so I said “You haven’t seen me like this yet. I’ve changed genders.”
“Oh, that’s good!” she beamed.
“Yes, it’s a good thing for me. I’m much happier.”
She walked over. She asked about my partner Mark. She repeated a few times how different I seemed and how nice I looked. I allowed myself to bask in her approval. I’ve learned to accept approval in a way I never really could as David.
She told me when I was done shopping to come to her and she would ring me up at the cosmetics counter. I finished shopping and did that. As she was bagging my items she said “The first time I saw you in here…the first time...I said to myself…if he was a woman he would be a beautiful woman. The FIRST TIME!”
“You must have sensed something about me,” I said.
Despite using the term "beautiful" perhaps a little too liberally, she was clearly tickled and seemed to feel validated.
“It’s good,” she said a final time.
“Yes...it is. It’s very good. I’ve wanted this since I was 4 years old. I waited until I was 45...but I finally got it. It’s a good, good thing.”
With that we said our goodbyes and I left on a cloud.
I don’t know what these things mean. I believe her when she says she had that thought about me. I had a teacher in high school who once told me she thought I would look good as a girl. What would make someone say that? It's odd, espeically since I worked so hard to hide those feelings.
These things used to haunt and tease me. I wanted to figure it all out (without actually figuring it out, if you know what I mean) and it made me a bit nuts. But now...finally embodied as Daya....it just feels like a pat on the back.
It’s a good, good thing.
posted by Daya Curley at
2:00 PM
2 Comments:
I think it's simply the universe affirming that you're on the right path...keep going...
You know, the most astonishing thing about my coming out was how many people were shocked and surprised.
Just me.
Shocked and surprised that is, because to a person everyone else had already either figured out it was coming, or it just made so much semce that it was finally something that fit about me.
Yeah, it was a good, good thing. At the same time it was so strange.
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