I don't have time for a whole blog post...but there's a little milestone I want to acknowledge.
I turned in paperwork to my union Actor's Equity to change my name...and I got a temporary card. I was also just informed via email that my gender has been changed officially in the records for the union.
I'm feeling ever more official.
I'll be looking in the next few weeks into changing my name legally.
But I don’t know where time went this year. Things have been crazy and I got to almost none of my usual traditions…although I did manage to our little tree up the day after Thanksgiving. That was yesterday, right?
Oy…
So my best wishes are with you as we head into yet another year…!!
Things are crazy this time of year, so I have been lax in posting.
Forgive?
I’ve been working out at Pam & Ada’s gym every weekday morning. I feel great…and if I can be patient and keep it up I might actually see some results. Or…at least maybe I won’t gain weight over the holidays.
Maybe?
I want to share a theory about something.
Here's some background that influenced my thought pattern…
Not too long ago there was an episode of 20/20 called MY SECRET SELF. They profiled 3 trans kids. The most stunning story was that of a young trans girl named Jaz. In the program her mother talks about how this child loves mermaids....and in fact, that many young trans girls are attracted to mermaids. You can probably imagine why…and you can see that part of the 20/20 show below:
I was never attracted to mermaids. But…I loved (and still love) the Statue of Liberty. I encountered a color aerial shot of Liberty Island in an encyclopedia when I was very young and I was mesmerized by the image. And thanks to the Internet...here's the actual picture which I hadn't seen myself in about 30 years.
I realized earlier this year that I have spent my life surrounded with images of that monument. This strong, almost masculine female image fascinated me. I was never quite sure why…and I’m still only theorizing. But now…in the midst of transition…a strong female who stands for liberation is one helluva good role model. And she makes a great guardian angel.
In addition, one of my favorite images has always been the famous Rosie The Riveter "We Can Do It" poster. Another fabulous strong-armed woman.
And now, here as evidence, are pics from our living room…
This one is the most important and influential for me. She hung on the basement wall as I grew up. I never consciously paid much attention to her…but she was always there…and when I moved away I realized how much I loved her.
Is she a drag queen? A tough broad? Who knows…I just love her strength and determination.
Next is a poster I found stored behind some stuff in the basement stairwell when I lived with Michael in San Francisco. It’s made of cardboard...and it’s a BEER AD…!!! But I think it’s beautiful.
And most recently, Mark bought me this gorgeous print and had it framed for us.
And then there’s Maude…I mean Rosie…
So, what does it mean?
I dunnoh...
But it sure is nice to finally feel true liberation. That enormous green metal lady should be proud.
Also: Mark found this cool old stamp the other day which I plan to scan, enlarge, print and hang on the wall right alongside the rest of those beefy-limbed ladies.
And one last thing: I have been really touched by the comments you've left on this blog. I wasn't even sure anyone would READ the thing, let alone offer such nice sentiments.
When you leave a comment please make sure to put your name in the message. There are a couple comments where I don't recognize the user (for example: "Chiron"). I'd like to be able to acknowledge y'all and lavish love on you too...so more info please...!!
Monday was bad…but each day since has gotten better.
First off…my sister Victoria was released from the hospital yesterday evening. There's nothing too major going on with her health. It was the flu. And she’s feeling better.
Whew!
My dear friends Ada and Pam opened a women’s fitness center a few months ago. Last week Pam started saying I should come work out. I desperately need the exercise…but I was hesitant about my gender status. I’m at a weird in-between state where I’m presenting fairly androgynously. I can pass in “boy mode”…but would my appearance in the gym make any of the members nervous or offended? To their amazing credit, the reaction from both Pam and Ada was “Don’t worry about it.” Besides, they explained, there are usually no members there in the first hour or so after they open at 8:00am.
Ok…so I swallowed hard and went on Tuesday morning.
After helping them deal with a major leak in the ceiling (which was supposedly fixed after the LAST rain, thank you very much…) I did a cardio class with Pam and then Ada showed me the ropes on the circuit.
It felt great…and I’ve gone every morning since.
I have met 3 of the members who have arrived while I was still working out. I was introduced as Daya, of course…and so far as I know, the world didn’t collapse on itself. I wasn’t arrested. And no one yelled at me or physically harmed me.
It’s been a revelation. And it’s been nice.
I’m so grateful to these women who are helping to make an important part of my journey no big deal. I’m really lucky to know them and to have their love and support.
And also this week...the absolutely true reality that I'm getting old:
I got my first pair of reading glasses yesterday…!!
They are a really light prescription…and only for reading…and only close up…but they’re glasses and it’s another first.
And yet one more first…a pic of me on this blog…from this morning…wearing my reading glasses. I was ready to leave for the gym.
This week started out tough. But today…through the rain and gloom outside…I feel wonderful inside. I feel good and right and steady…and on the correct path.
Nothing I do seems to click...driving...web design...errands…
And most importantly...my sister called to say she's being readmitted to the hospital. She's not feeling well at all...and the doctors have to figure out what's going on.
It's very scary and very stressful.
Please send her your healing energies in prayer or whatever form that takes for you.
Most days have been great...but sometimes everything just seems to crash...and this is one of those days.
I feel old and fat and stupid for attempting this gender change. These feelings happen less and less as I go along...and I can be grateful that I don't feel like this 24-7-12-365 like I used to. But I also have to recognize the low moments.
I honor this low moment...and I'm writing about it so I can look back and see how smart I was for pushing through it rather than giving in to the darkness. I used to let this swing of the pendulum dictate my actions. Now I recognize it as the insecurity and superficiality that it is.
I saw my doctor the other day and everything is great with my blood work. I've added progesterone to my hormone regimen. I've also doubled my spiro (an androgen blocker). I'm happy about diving deeper. I just wish I could look in the mirror and see the right person looking back.
As I said...surreal.
These are thoughts I usually keep to myself. But I promised I would not edit myself...and I want to document everything important.
I'm looking into legal name change...and while I can probably change my name...it will be harder to change my gender flag (especially on my birth certificate) without surgery. And since I can't see when I'll have the funds for that kind of thing, the whole endeavor sorta falls a little short.
I've read lots of stuff tht says you should not undertake a gender change if there's ANY other way to live in your birth gender. It's just so hard and expensive and time consuming.
But...I'm sure...
...and I'm determined.
I just HAVE to feel some authenticity before I die.
I've had weird dreams the last few nights. Last night I had to force myself to completely wake up around 2:00am because my dream (whatever is was) was so horrible that I didn’t want to fall right back to sleep and right back into it. But the night before last I woke up laughing.
