A bad day...
Sometimes those Mondays just seem surreal...
Today is one of those days.
Nothing I do seems to click...driving...web design...errands…
And most importantly...my sister called to say she's being readmitted to the hospital. She's not feeling well at all...and the doctors have to figure out what's going on.
It's very scary and very stressful.
Please send her your healing energies in prayer or whatever form that takes for you.
Most days have been great...but sometimes everything just seems to crash...and this is one of those days.
I feel old and fat and stupid for attempting this gender change. These feelings happen less and less as I go along...and I can be grateful that I don't feel like this 24-7-12-365 like I used to. But I also have to recognize the low moments.
I honor this low moment...and I'm writing about it so I can look back and see how smart I was for pushing through it rather than giving in to the darkness. I used to let this swing of the pendulum dictate my actions. Now I recognize it as the insecurity and superficiality that it is.
I saw my doctor the other day and everything is great with my blood work. I've added progesterone to my hormone regimen. I've also doubled my spiro (an androgen blocker). I'm happy about diving deeper. I just wish I could look in the mirror and see the right person looking back.
As I said...surreal.
These are thoughts I usually keep to myself. But I promised I would not edit myself...and I want to document everything important.
I'm looking into legal name change...and while I can probably change my name...it will be harder to change my gender flag (especially on my birth certificate) without surgery. And since I can't see when I'll have the funds for that kind of thing, the whole endeavor sorta falls a little short.
I've read lots of stuff tht says you should not undertake a gender change if there's ANY other way to live in your birth gender. It's just so hard and expensive and time consuming.
But...I'm sure...
...and I'm determined.
I just HAVE to feel some authenticity before I die.
I've had weird dreams the last few nights. Last night I had to force myself to completely wake up around 2:00am because my dream (whatever is was) was so horrible that I didn’t want to fall right back to sleep and right back into it. But the night before last I woke up laughing.
Weird.
It’s a bit of a roller coaster the last few days.
But it makes me feel better to write this…to share…
Today is one of those days.
Nothing I do seems to click...driving...web design...errands…
And most importantly...my sister called to say she's being readmitted to the hospital. She's not feeling well at all...and the doctors have to figure out what's going on.
It's very scary and very stressful.
Please send her your healing energies in prayer or whatever form that takes for you.
Most days have been great...but sometimes everything just seems to crash...and this is one of those days.
I feel old and fat and stupid for attempting this gender change. These feelings happen less and less as I go along...and I can be grateful that I don't feel like this 24-7-12-365 like I used to. But I also have to recognize the low moments.
I honor this low moment...and I'm writing about it so I can look back and see how smart I was for pushing through it rather than giving in to the darkness. I used to let this swing of the pendulum dictate my actions. Now I recognize it as the insecurity and superficiality that it is.
I saw my doctor the other day and everything is great with my blood work. I've added progesterone to my hormone regimen. I've also doubled my spiro (an androgen blocker). I'm happy about diving deeper. I just wish I could look in the mirror and see the right person looking back.
As I said...surreal.
These are thoughts I usually keep to myself. But I promised I would not edit myself...and I want to document everything important.
I'm looking into legal name change...and while I can probably change my name...it will be harder to change my gender flag (especially on my birth certificate) without surgery. And since I can't see when I'll have the funds for that kind of thing, the whole endeavor sorta falls a little short.
I've read lots of stuff tht says you should not undertake a gender change if there's ANY other way to live in your birth gender. It's just so hard and expensive and time consuming.
But...I'm sure...
...and I'm determined.
I just HAVE to feel some authenticity before I die.
I've had weird dreams the last few nights. Last night I had to force myself to completely wake up around 2:00am because my dream (whatever is was) was so horrible that I didn’t want to fall right back to sleep and right back into it. But the night before last I woke up laughing.
Weird.
It’s a bit of a roller coaster the last few days.
But it makes me feel better to write this…to share…
1 Comments:
OK, it's Tuesday...I missed reading this yesterday.
My prayers and healing light are with Victoria!!!
I'm sorry that you had a bad day yesterday ~~ do you think the dream thing may be from the new meds? May take a bit to get used to them. Just a thought!
It was fun working out this morning.....so happy to have you coming to my club....yipppeee!!! So with that said....see you in the morning!!!! Love ya, Pam
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