Hair today...more gone when I can afford it...

I'm sitting in a treatment room at Berman Skin Institute. In a little less than an hour I will get my 6th and last laser hair removal treatment under my arms.

It may sound extravagant to do under my arms considering most genetic females don't get that hair removed. But if you'd felt the IRBs I get when I shave there you would understand the commitment.

My life in the last few months continues to be routine and drama-free. That's a good thing. And despite a visit to Target where the woman guarding the dressing rooms sent me to the men's dressing room to try on women's clothes (!!!) things are bubbling along nicely.

I'm starting to notice more differences between men and women...even between me and Mark. That's to be expected, of course, and I get a little chuckles from these things. Observing them from inside a physical body that is now bathed primarily in estrogen makes me happy instead of tormented, which is the way it felt from inside that testosterone prison.

So...more pain soon...but less hair. A fair exchange. I'm just glad I got a headstart on all my hair removal before the economy went totally insane.

The week in-between...

I can't believe Christmas is over already. I just didn't connect to it this year like I usually do. Maybe part of that was a form of self protection so the pain of missing my sister didn't get too intense.

And now I feel my mind turning to a new year in a big way. While Christmas didn't hit me as hard this year, think the New Year will hit me harder than usual. 2008 was a year of challenges and gifts. How do you describe a year that delivers not only the worst thing to ever happen to you...but also some of the best things?

It's not a "good" year...but certainly an Important one.

Here's to a happy new one for all of us.

I have a good feeling about it.

Little Drummer Kid...

From an email my mother wrote:

"Every time the song The Little Drummer Boy comes on I think about you when you were 15 months old, sitting on the floor by the stereo and listening to that song...and tapping your head against the stereo in beat to it."

Umm...

I think I just discovered the moment to which I can trace my mental craziness.

Thanks, mom!

A small embrace from a clerk with something extra…

I just returned home from Walgreen’s drug store. I needed a couple things and despite the fact that I was reticent about going I went anyway. I was hesitant because it’s a store where I’ve been shopping for 6 years...and there’s one woman who works during the weekdays with whom I have a cordial relationship. I normally see her when I shop at this store...she once sold me some foundation makeup. Since I was still deeply in the trans closet at the time I made sure to tell her I was an actor and I needed it for the stage. That was true, but I really didn’t owe her an explanation.

Whenever I see her we make small talk. She’s Asian and has an accent, so the communication is a little bumpy sometimes, but she’s very nice and she seems to light up when she sees me.

She has not seen me in full makeup and women’s clothes yet. I mean, it’s just jeans and a basic top…I’m not in a sequined gown or anything…but I’m definitely presenting female. I always hate to see that confused look on clerk’s faces. Most of my local stores are now aware…but Walgreen’s was one of my last stands.

So…I went to Walgreen’s because I really needed the stuff and I try never to avoid situations that I’m nervous about. There’s nothing to gain if you fear and don’t push forward in life.

When I walked in she was, typically, in view down the first aisle, which is the cosmetics aisle. I did not make eye contact. I went to the second aisle to look for something. After a couple minutes she came down my aisle. I think she saw me come in and wanted an encounter.

I looked up and said hello. She smiled and said hello. Then she said “I like your purse very much.” “Thank you,” I said and turned back to the shelf. But we were alone and she was right there so I said “You haven’t seen me like this yet. I’ve changed genders.”

“Oh, that’s good!” she beamed.

“Yes, it’s a good thing for me. I’m much happier.”

She walked over. She asked about my partner Mark. She repeated a few times how different I seemed and how nice I looked. I allowed myself to bask in her approval. I’ve learned to accept approval in a way I never really could as David.

She told me when I was done shopping to come to her and she would ring me up at the cosmetics counter. I finished shopping and did that. As she was bagging my items she said “The first time I saw you in here…the first time...I said to myself…if he was a woman he would be a beautiful woman. The FIRST TIME!”

“You must have sensed something about me,” I said.

Despite using the term "beautiful" perhaps a little too liberally, she was clearly tickled and seemed to feel validated.

“It’s good,” she said a final time.

“Yes...it is. It’s very good. I’ve wanted this since I was 4 years old. I waited until I was 45...but I finally got it. It’s a good, good thing.”

With that we said our goodbyes and I left on a cloud.

I don’t know what these things mean. I believe her when she says she had that thought about me. I had a teacher in high school who once told me she thought I would look good as a girl. What would make someone say that? It's odd, espeically since I worked so hard to hide those feelings.

These things used to haunt and tease me. I wanted to figure it all out (without actually figuring it out, if you know what I mean) and it made me a bit nuts. But now...finally embodied as Daya....it just feels like a pat on the back.

It’s a good, good thing.

Still kicking around…facing ghosts…

I won’t even open this post with an apology for not posting until now. Let’s just get right to it…

Since New York, things have slowly and steadily calmed down. I’m in a period of routine….and it’s really wonderful. My life has been so insane for so many years it’s really nice to just work at home and do errands and see some movies and exercise…

I’ve been doing electrolysis on my face pretty regularly for a few months and I’m seeing progress. It still intensely painful (and expensive) but my mind and body have somehow found a way to deal with the pain. It’s been a real lesson in finding out how much pain I can tolerate. I’m pretty proud about it…and freakin’ RELIEVED. Electrolysis on my face was one of the major obstacles between me and transition. I just didn’t know how I could go through it. I had 3 hours of it back in 1991 and it was one of the reasons I stopped that transition in its tracks. So, to find the strength to endure it now is a feather in my cap.

Victoria’s spirit helps me with this. I lay on that table...needles stuck in my follicles again and again…my face on fire...feeling like my skin is turning inside out from the pain...

…and I think of all the pain Victoria went through. She endured all that torment…and she didn’t complain. She was very definite with me that I should proceed with transition and be myself. So, in her honor and memory, I lay there and find an inner strength I didn’t know I had. And I’m relieved.

I’ve been working on web work fairly consistently. It’s been good. The weather is finally cooling down and that’s fantastic.

I’ve been feeling nostalgic…no…more than mere nostalgia. I’ve been feeling healthy enough to face some of the ghosts of my past. I’ve been reaching out in emails to people from my past who I think I’ve harmed in some way. I guess it’s like my own 12 step program in a way. Mostly, my past is kind of a blur to me and I really want to put some of the pieces together.

Some have written back. Some haven’t. I don’t blame anyone if they don’t want to respond.

It’s been interesting and liberating to reach out. It makes me feel healthier and more grounded.

I wish I could have realized these things before turning 45 years old…but better late than never I suppose.

The world spins...much like my head...

Well...as you can see, I had no time or energy to write a single blog post while in NYC.

People keep asking me how it was...and they look at me with a hopeful smile...waiting for joy to flow out of me.

But I seem to be disappointing people these days.

The experience in New York was important and intense and I wouldn't change it for the world. But it was hard. And at the end of it I am left exhausted...and barely able to think straight.

I miss my sister. This is the first time I've been quiet and still at home since she passed. The month after her death was filled with trips and memorials. And then one month after, we got word about Fringe, and the whole world blew up with stress.

It was hard.

And now I sit and realize I still don't have my sister.

A dear friend passed along a mantra today. I won't repeat it...but it's about slowing down. I think a slowing-down process is sadly lacking in my life.

And the good news? My legal name change will be official on September 16th. This will be a new birthday for me. I never thought the name change would mean so much...but it does...and it gives me something to look forward to.

Glam shots...and bye-bye Silicon Valley...for now...

Well...I actually have a few free minutes before I leave for the airport.

I'm off on this weird adventure...and I want to once again thank all those who have rallied around and helped make this happen. I'm a lucky lucky person to have the family and friends and LIFE that I have. I don't take it for granted.

So...off I go...

BIG NEWS!!! On September 16th, 2008, my name will be legally changed to Daya Curley. I feel so ready for this. I couldn't imagine HOW I wouold be ready...but I am...and am a thousand percent sure. I can't wait...!!

And, on the "I-never-have-any-pictures-I-can-bear-to-show-anyone" front...I actually now HAVE a few now that I want to share.

My friend (and photog extraordinaire) Jami Davis generously took a few snaps before our BRITNEY fundraising party got underway.

Here she is WORLD...!!!

(and I promise to try to write from New York City)